I’m learning that being told “you’re too sensitive” and other such remarks is considered gaslighting. However, as autistic individuals, we are known for being highly sensitive, both with perceptions and emotions. So, I find myself wondering if perhaps I need to consider that I am more sensitive than the general population and accommodate what I see as their insensitivity, dismissiveness, and blame-shifting.
How do you handle being told “you’re too sensitive”?
What do you think would be a healthy response?
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I usually tell people that I’m not too sensitive, but simply more sensitive than others like themselves, and that they just don’t want to be considerate because it inconveniences them.
Lots of people get super flustered when that gets stated calmly and without much emotion. The key is not to yell or get emotionally, but to state it very calmly.
That way, they can’t retort with personal attacks and actually have to address what I said. Usually they point out that others are not as sensitive, or that the world doesnt revolve around me. My reply in those cases depends on the situation. It could be something like “That’s true, but I’m not other people, and this noise bothers me. Why is it so important to you to keep making it?”
If it is a family member, I try to point out that this is my home and I would like to be comfortable there, and I would try to figure out how to find a compromise.
Wait, that’s gaslighting? Crap. I didn’t know this. I certainly don’t like being told that. I’ve had to put up with this a lot. I don’t have an answer, but you have given me some valuable insight, nonetheless. Thank you
Find people to talk to about it and try to figure out if the problem is really you or if it’s them and they’re trying to put you down for it.
Getting really defensive will make people feel like they’re right.
So I followed this advice and talked to 2 friends and an autism therapist. They all agreed that the environment was unhealthy and that I could benefit from getting further away from that. In fact, the therapist was pretty clear on how unhealthy she thought it was, using professional psychological terms and everything. She was even able to predict things about them that we hadn’t talked about, so it was convincing.
I try to keep in mind that everyone around me isn’t acting with perfect and constant skill or patience in their interactions, and have their own issues and anxieties big or small.
By that I mean “you are too sensitive” tends to come from someone being frustrated that they don’t know how to behave towards/around you. Often it helps a lot to forgive them the initial mistake of blaming you, assume their position for a bit, and approach them for a conversation starting with “yes, I am sensitive but it’s not something I can turn off”.
I could see this approach working, and I will take it into consideration next time. However, in this case, this isn’t the only instance of gaslighting. This person knows what they are doing and are certainly doing it purposefully.
Ah. So they are trying to shut you down for a weakness instead of accomodating it?
It sounds like you have the most important part handled already: noticing.
Yes! Thank you. My eyes are seeing it clearly now that it was pointed out 👀
First of all, you’re not “too sensitive”. There is no such thing. You are just being yourself.
About how to deal with your parents/environment. I know it can be difficult (having made these experiences myself), especially if the other person is close to you and you are supposed to be able to trust them. However, let that criticism roll of, just like water that doesn’t stick on a duck’s back. Try to stay calm and clear in these situations and try to navigate yourself out of these situations.
I wish I knew the answer. It seems that the other responses suggest cutting these people out of your life, but in my case it’s my wife and coworkers. Cutting them out isn’t really an option.
Ugh, I’m sorry you’re in that situation. It seems pretty difficult to exist.
“Oh. Any other opinions you care to share?”
People who say that dont realize that we take everything seriously/personally. So a harmful comment hits harder more often. This is why i detest working in a team enviroment.
There is no healthy response to gaslighting is what I have found, intentional or not. People will not change their perspective for you. Walk away.
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Interesting to see all the response here as I can relate to them so much.
Same! I hadn’t realized we were having similar experiences, but it’s nice to know we’re not alone.
I am pretty far gone on that journey, have always known the consequences. Had to leave a marriage because of this, will not ever work a big job again (despite having multiple higher degrees) and willingly so. Will walk away from everything eventually. All because the alternative sucks so horribly that I prefer it this way.
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My response would be, “You could be right.” Then I’d go about my life. I just let criticism roll off me like water off a duck’s back unless I think it’s valid. It’s hilarious to watch how frustrated they get when you’re unapologetically yourself.
At a younger age, I would just get confused and frustrated with no good way to address such issues. I never considered it gaslighting, though. They were being honest.
Today, I don’t bother. If someone tells me I’m too sensitive, I acknowledge that, from their perspective, I probably am. Then I disengage, get away as soon as possible, and avoid contact for a while. “A while” has sometimes meant “years.”
They weren’t being honest. They were being intolerant. You’ve internalized it somewhat, and I’m sorry for that.
I appreciate the empathy, but I disagree. They were being honest from their perspective. I can respect that.
There’ve been a few people over the years who tried to gaslight me. Tried. One advantage of my age and particular expression of autism is that I genuinely don’t care what most people think.
You’re lucky. The intolerance destroyed me.
I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’re better.
Never really found a way to recover. I don’t have the best family where that’s concerned.
Have you ever looked into unhealthy family roles, such as the scapegoat? When my therapist pointed that out to me, all of these confusing experiences and personalities that I just couldn’t seem to understand or make happy made sense. That was the point: to always keep me trapped in a role where I wasn’t good enough and that family problems were my fault. Once I got away, the whole system fell apart.
I mean, be conscious of your needs, but anyone saying “you’re too sensitive” is pretty much universally an unhealthy person to be around unless there’s some real nuance to the situation. It means they’re dismissing your emotional reactions as unreasonable or otherwise not worth respecting and that’s basically abuse 101.
Find people who get you and accept you as you are. If there’s something about yourself that you struggle with, work on coping techniques and the like, but ultimately anyone who doesn’t respect you is going to abuse or hurt you even if it’s unintentional on their part. It’s why we’re several times more likely to be abused than neurotypical people: we’re constantly told that we’re being unreasonable and we tend to be far more accepting of others than they are of us, often ignoring abuse because we’re taught to internalize self-hatred from a young age. At least that’s my perspective as an autistic person with C-PTSD and a heck of a lot of trauma related to this sort of thing exactly.
The correct response to someone seeming sensitive or expressing a boundary is acceptance and respect, possibly followed by discussion on those terms when it’s not urgently in need of addressing. Ignoring boundaries is almost always either abusive or neglectful. Slips are going to happen, of course, but “you’re too sensitive” is an intentional attempt to dismiss your boundaries, not a slip barring exceptional circumstance.
This was really helpful at putting it into perspective. It helped me feel confident in my decision with regard to this relationship. Thank you very much!
I don’t have an answer, but I have family that will say insulting shit as if it’s nothing, then get mad at me if I react in anyway.
Like my mom drinking on the weekend, and telling me I don’t know what love is and should just go ahead and get a girlfriend already.
… I’ve been in love, and I’m super gay. And if the child doesn’t know what love is, I feel like that’s the parent’s fault, isn’t it?
But no, I can’t say anything without it turning into an argument and them complaining about how I take things too literally and “read too much into things”.
But then if they ask me a question and I don’t hear them, their immediate assumption is that I did hear them, I understood their question, I’m able to answer immediately, I’m intentionally ignoring them, and my goal is to be disrespectful. So they immediately start ranting about how disrespectful I am, instead of just asking if I heard the question.
And then they wonder why I don’t like talking to them.
That sounds like a terrible situation to be in because you can’t have a voice nor can you defend yourself. If you hear something, you’re too sensitive. If you don’t, then you’re ignoring them. There really is no way to exist without punishment. I’m sorry you’re going through that.
Thanks. I could go on and on. Like how I’ve been wearing glasses and contacts for years, but they recently accused me of faking because I could hold a container inches from my face and see a few ants inside.
I lost my job and had to move in with them recently. I wore the same pair of contacts for a month, and need to refill my prescription. Everything more than a foot and a half away is blurry.
So, a day or two after saying I was faking, mom sent me a Facebook video out of the blue instructing people to stare at the Sun for better eyesight. No apologies, no nothing, but apparently she believed me again and wanted to “help”.
And like a day later, when I told her a friend was going to help me order a small box of contacts so I can see, and drive, and work, and even just be able to read; her response was to tell me she could have helped, but didn’t want to “enable me”…
I can only imagine she meant I should squeeze my butt cheeks real hard and bootstrap my way into better vision, or she thought my bad vision was a delusion that she didn’t want to feed into. Either way, not great.
Like, she’s the one that complained about me using old contacts in the first place and urged me to throw them away to avoid eye damage and going blind.
But then what was with the random accusation, then the sudden change of heart? The fuck is going on?
My friend never followed up, and they’re dealing with their own stuff, so I don’t want to just ask them for the money. So it’s been over a month of not being able to see and I’m just… existing. Can really do much when I can’t even read without holding the thing a foot away from my face.
There obviously more to the story, but it’s a complicated living situation at the moment.
Anyway, there is a lot more than just those two things, and I suspect they have narcissistic and paranoid personality traits. They constantly make the worst assumptions. Like tonight, they were looking for a bottle of sauce in their pantry. (My sister and I have our own in the garage.) They couldn’t find the bottle, and immediately assumed someone stole it. I don’t eat meat, so I wouldn’t have used it. So, they assumed my sister went into their cabinet and took it. Mom told me that was the exact reason why they can’t trust us, or something like that. I was trying to ignore her.
Guess what though? They found the bottle on the counter a few minutes later, and mom scoffed at dad for accusing my sister for no reason.
I’m tired… I’m just so tired.
Edit: Here’s the video she sent me.
https://www.facebook.com/reel/1232929208094631?sfnsn=mo&s=F5x8gs&fs=e&mibextid=6AJuK9
Oh man, that sounds so exhausting 😩
What I’ve learned about narcissistic personalities is that they are paranoid and purposefully delusional. That’s why rationality has nothing to do with the conversation. They are warping reality to fit a worldview that they are the best (grandiose) and deserve all the benefits of being the best (entitlement). As such, if they get something, it’s because they deserve it. If they don’t, then they’re a victim. If they perceive someone is “better than them,” they will warp their delusion to bring them down. Reality has nothing to do with this, so having an argument with them is entirely pointless. They solely want to maintain their delusion.
The point I’m trying to make is that if your mother is narcissistic, you might be misunderstanding her communication. She’s not telling you your perspective, emotions, and experiences are wrong. She’s telling you that she feels threatened by you improving your life and needs you to look down upon in order to maintain her delusion. As such, I think it might be a good idea to learn to translate narcissism to rational talk so you could have a reality that’s founded on…well, reality. Also, maybe try to see a social worker that could help you (1) get access to eye care and other benefits that could help you become a bit more independent and (2) make sense and navigate that difficult environment you are in. What do you think about that?
Honestly, I don’t know. I’ll need to think about it. Parts ring true, and others I’m not sure about. I’m in another state now and basically lost my entire social network, resources, etc., so a social worker isn’t the worst idea. I just don’t know if it will help at all, or if I even qualify. If I need to go anywhere, I’ll have to have them drive me until I can see again. They would, but they’d start to get nosey after a while.
Hell, at one point they demanded my username and password to a government website, because they wanted to check and see if I was filling out a certain type of paperwork, and if I was getting any kind of welfare and hiding it from them.
The moment they get a paranoid idea, they run with it. Then they get upset at anyone else if their behavior causes problems, never once stopping to wonder if they were wrong.
…
Yeah, an expert might help. I think I’ll see if that social worker can do anything. Would you mind if I hit you up with a few questions, if I have any? I honestly might delete this whole thread. It’s kind of embarrassing to leave out in public.
omg, from the outside, what you’re saying about that sounds troubling. I’m happy you’re noticing it, acknowledging it’s not okay, and are working to gain some distance. You’re on your path.
I totally get wanting to delete this. You can definitely hit me up on Matrix. I think the direct messaging on Lemmy might be publicly accessible too, so that avenue wouldn’t help with privacy. My Matrix account is in my profile. I’m not a therapist nor a family counselor of any sort, but I would be happy to answer any questions you may have to the best of my ability 🙂
Thanks. I’m gonna take some time. May or may not message you. But I appreciate it. I feel less insane now that someone else confirms this is fucked up.
Yeah, I’ve learned that that’s a sign of gaslighting. Again, I’m sorry you’re going through that. It’s not okay at all. And, you’re welcome! I’m glad it helped. That’s what we’re all here for, and I’ll be there if you reach out 👍
Not autistic, but I’m an uncle of an autistic 5 y/o kid, and I constantly ask his parents what’s the best way to act and react around him, and I’m just glad I do that as that gets me closer to my nephew 🙂
I think you should be telling people what the autistic spectrum is, and that of course you will be too sensitive! Not everyone knows what it means, that it’s a spectrum.
Not autistic, but I’m an uncle of an autistic 5 y/o kid, and I constantly ask his parents what’s the best way to act and react around him, and I’m just glad I do that as that gets me closer to my nephew 🙂
Thank you for sharing that response! It tells me that there are considerate people and what I could be looking for in social settings: people that ask how to better accommodate my style. I could totally work on overlooking things to avoid being “too sensitive” but they could also try being more considerate. The fact that latter hasn’t been brought up is telling of the situation.
“I am not ‘sensitive’, I just take you by your word. If you don’t mean what you say, maybe better start thinking before you open your mouth.”
