I’m 35, I do okay. I mumble when I’m shy, and when I’m not into it, i.e. the pleasantries over the counter in a shop. I had the ‘you talk like a robot’ comments all through school. I know I speak a certain way and I’m mostly okay with it.
I bought a coffee this morning before getting the train into work. I did my usual awkward mumbling, I ordered the flat white with all the elocution I could muster so as to avoid repeating myself - I hate repeating myself - but the rest was mumbled and just audible enough for them to know that I asked to pay by card and that I was thanking them as I left.
There were two clerks, a small independent shop. The male clerk, upon me saying thanks and turning to walk to the door, gave an exaggerated mumble, which made the girl working with him laugh. I ignored it and left, but afterwards it really griped on me.
The only way to communicate with the establishment is by instagram, so I set up an account and messaged the business account (they own 3 shops in my local area). The person followed it up; naturally the pair working there said that it never happened. The owner has invited me back tomorrow, when he will be working with the male clerk, to receive an apology. I don’t think I want to go. Should I go? I’m not sure what outcome I wanted, I think I just wanted to speak out about it.
I appreciate that the quiet hours in the shop are boring, and they need to make their own entertainment, but he could have just waited for me to leave the shop before he made his joke - although I do understand that to impress the girl it must done to me brazenly, for the shock factor required to make such a witless joke funny.
I’m not quite sure why this has aggravated me so much today, but it has. I can normally roll my eyes at this kind of stuff or laugh it off, but it really wound me up. Maybe because I am a paying customer and expect that in engaging in this process I am not going to encounter this kind of playground mentality.
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One question to ask is are you sure they were making fun of you and there’s no way you misinterpreted it? As for whether to go or not I’d say don’t. It won’t be satisfying to you no matter the outcome. And if you’re wrong on the assessment of the situation you’re putting someone else into a very embarrassing and humiliating situation themselves. Not saying you are but it can be difficult to judge a situation especially given how our neurodivergence works.
I am sure, I manage a youth centre so part of my job is identifying this kind of behaviour and coaching kids through it, if I had doubt I would not have complained. But even so, you are right there will be no satisfaction in going.
That’s fair. I’ve had plenty of instances where that’s happened to me and making the mistake is embarrassing itself. I hope you don’t have my habit of mulling things like this over for days or even weeks.
I do tend to mull, but thankfully the supportive comments coming out of this thread are already helping to put my mind at ease
For all the social outrage culture online directed at every real and perceived way one can be insulting to people who are not cis, people who are an ethnic minority, people who are any particular religion, people who have an obvious physical disability, people who are overweight, people who are underweight, etc etc…
I have never once met any one in the real that gives a flying fuck about trying to be nice to autistic people, nor have I ever met one online /who is not autistic themselves/.
Normies do not give a flying fuck about neurodivergent people and will instead yap on about how they are good people because they care about latest trending meme about latest trending victim group.
They you can use your ‘autism powers’ (objective, dispassionate analysis) to explain to them that they are hypocrites, evidenced by the very way they treat you, an actual autistic person they actually know.
Then they will hate you because you have momentarily burst their cognitive dissonance forcefield that allows them to feel good about themselves by lying to themselves about how they are actually morally good people.
At this point in my life I am /correctly/ terrified of trying to form any serious relationship with any non autistic person /because this always happens every single time/.
There is no point whatsoever in devoting time energy and resources to cultivating a meaningful relationship with normies, at least in my life they are all unkind, unwilling to do literally anything to ease a relationship with an autistic person, they never respect boundaries, they always gaslight and they are always hypocrites.
This is not catastrophization, this is my lived experience. I am not being hyperbolic whatsoever.
And yes, this also applies to every therapist counselor or psychologist I have ever had. They also gaslight, infantilize, and suggest you to do things that you have already explained to them /do not work/ in the realm of forming meaningful relationships with normies.
I am not being hyperbolic whatsoever.
You have your mind set in stone and for good reason (lived experiences), but it’s not true, and to me it’s hyperbolic. There are a lot of shit people out there, luckily they aren’t all like that (my partner, friends, and previous partners are testament to that).
That’s a bit harsh I’m sorry that this is your experience and I honestly hope you meet people who can show you another side to things
A lot of people are shitty to everyone, but there are a few decent people out there.
Well, thanks, I hope so to, but at this point it doesn’t seem likely.
Who knows, maybe I will meet someone nice.
Right now I cannot afford to venture outside of my shitty motel room halfway across the country due to being made homeless and put into astounding financial debt due to the actions of the people I trusted most.
I am so injured and have so many torn ligaments and deeply bruised muscles that I cannot walk around for more than one trip to a nearby store once a day, and I am surrounded by basically other homeless people, many of whom will have no problem assaulting me or stealing from me if I say any random thing that makes them angry or they want something I have.
So by far the best plan for now is avoid contact with anyone as much as possible until I am at least actually physically capable of fleeing yet another attempted mugging.
There are good people out there that care that aren’t autistic, I can confirm that I’m married to one of them, and their immediate family is like that too (they have had their cognitive dissonance challenged by me, and they reflected and changed). I’m sorry you haven’t met anyone like that yet.
If you want to go, then go. You shouldn’t feel compelled to. You may find that getting an apology, even if it is only from the manager, will help you to move past this. Sometimes it can be hard to let go and receiving permission from someone can assist.
I can say that from my end, if I didn’t go for the apology, I’d probably message the manager and thank them for the offer but explain that I do not feel comfortable. I’d also probably never go there again. Getting the apology and believing that it was real would possibly make me feel like going again.
In the end, these people may not be cut out for retail/restaurant if that’s how they act in customer service situations. Sadly, it’s not really a career for anyone except management.
Sorry to hear that, that’s crap behaviour from the staff - particularly for an independent place. Can I ask how old the staff were?
To do it to your face as well is just insulting. And the manager’s response really isn’t that great - asking you to come in for the apology just feels so awkward. Personally I’d say fuck that place and avoid it in future, it’s not worth your custom if that’s how they treat customers.
They were both early 20s at a guess. It’s a shame, I like the shop, but I don’t want to be made fun of when I go in.
Should I go? I’m not sure what outcome I wanted, I think I just wanted to speak out about it.
Would it make you feel better at all or just be another stressful situation? If it won’t help then don’t go. Sounds like they’re trying to use you to punish their shitty employee.
You have every right to be upset, what they did was fucked up. You have no social obligation to go to an apology meeting with them, you should do whatever will make you feel best in both the short term and long term.
If you were to go, I would go to say this (or hand it written if that’s necessary):
I don’t want an apology. I want you to know that mocking people who are different is easy, and it makes you look weak and fearful. Trying to make sure that everyone gets what they need, even in small ways, is the sign of a good person. Make efforts to support people; that investment in humanity is worth it.
You can decide whether you want to describe where your social interaction abilities differ, so that they might have a better idea of how to interact with you on more comfortable terms.
That clerk needs something, too, and you have an opportunity to give it.
I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you. If it was me, I don’t think I could face them. I would love to think that I’d respond saying I’ll never go back, even for an apology, but that alone might be too much.
Let us know what you decide to do! No wrong move here and you owe the owner nothing.
Thank you. You are right I don’t owe them anything. I kind of want to go confront the guy, but I don’t see what good it would do.
Your message was enough. Send them something in response but leave it at that, it’ll just cause unnecessary trauma. Mention that thing about being able to recognise the behaviour because it’s your job to do so. That’s enough.
but I don’t see what good it would do.
The way I see it, this could be two of the possible outcomes.
One, the guy is just an asshole by nature and his “apology” will be just as empty as his mocking. Which means nothing but at least you have stood your ground. People like this can’t be changed, and it sucks that they are out there. If you feel like this is the case, then at least you know after the “apology” that your next option is to just never go back.
Second, the guy has a realization and the world gives him a little slap in the face, which means he gets a little maturing life lesson. Life says “Hey dumbass, you can’t act like that. Or at least not in public.” It’s highly possible that this kid (I am assuming his age) has never done something to threaten his paycheck and this might be a wakeup call.
Also, I wouldn’t look at it as ‘confronting’ him, more as trying to teach him. What he did isn’t appropriate, and actions can have consequences. The other thing I would say is that you should also use this as maybe a moment to just resolve this in your head, regardless of what his outcome is. My parents were very good at instilling in me that you don’t let anyone have any power over you in cases like this. That’s what people who act like that are after. Go in, state your case, and whatever happens to him is none of your concern, but he will know that he holds no power over you. If you don’t show up, then he knows exactly how to get you to react, especially since you have brought it up with the establishment. If you hadn’t said anything then it’s possible he would never know you even heard him, but it has been brought up. Not saying that is good or bad, just pointing out that he now knows you heard him, and even though you may never see this person again in your lifetime, for you it might be best to make your point with him and show him that it’s not something that you will put up with and you damn sure aren’t going to let him get away with it.
Again, this is all just my opinion and how I would handle it. No judgement here if you decide to just not go and possibly stop going to this establishment. That will send its own message. Since I am not you, maybe something like going to a mirror and having this conversation and getting it out of your system is what you need to do. Like when people write a note to someone and then toss it. Just know that it sucks it happened, and unfortunately the world is filled with inconsiderate assholes. Sorry for the long post.
I appreciate the thought. The second possibility actually makes me happy I contacted the owner. He is young, and he wouldn’t have known that I speak like I do for any reason, he could well have just thought I was stoned or something, which in fairness does happen a lot to me.
I too would like to see my second thought be the way it plays out. :)
Idk. If you only wanted to speak out about it and not get a forced apology then I wouldn’t go. You could message the manager and let them know you didn’t want an apology but just wanted to say something about it and that it was upsetting and just letting them know was enough for you.
I would go with this. If it were me, going along would give me more anxiety. Like being called in to the manager’s office so a coworker can apologize to me for something that happened. Somehow you’re still a victim at that point.
That analogy happened to me IRL and it was not pleasant.
Not autistic. My perspective: I’d simply skip going to this particular coffee shop, tbh.
Young people are often cunts. They think being snide or sarcastic makes them cool or appear smart. Often because they’re still very self-involved and lack life experience. It’s just bullying and nasty. You don’t deserve that. You especially don’t deserve it as a customer. Very stupid.
If you want write a short review on google. “Autistic so I sometimes mumble. Made fun of in this coffee shop. Didn’t feel welcome. Won’t be returning.”
Just as a warning for other customers. Not just people who are autistic, but if you’re having a shit day, have social anxiety, English isn’t your native language, you’re going through shit, have a back ache, or are simply very tired, you don’t want to made to feel like shit when ordering a coffee. Especially if you’ve just woken up.
Thanks. I did leave a short google review, nothing hostile or anything, just a short statement to let others know it can happen.
Another possibility that I don’t think I have read here so far: maybe the two clerks actually understand they did something wrong, and feel very sorry. It could be a touching experience if you see and feel actual regret and compassion, and the sincerity of their feelings might make you forgive them spontaneously. That could be cathartic and connecting.
I don’t think you have an obligation for anything, neither for going there nor for forgiving them.
But giving people a chance to see the error of their ways and becoming better people can be very rewarding, if they take it.
This will work best if you can make them see a little bit what these Interactions mean for you. They probably have nooo idea what it’s like to see the world from many other peoples’ eyes.
Maybe the chances for this happening are slim, but I think it’s a possibility.
It would be nice I agree, but there is as good a chance the guy is just a dick, and im not sure its worth me putting myself in the situation to find out now that ive raised it with the owner. I hope youre right, and I hope enough has been done for the person to have a realisation, but I dont want to confront him if its not the case, I think I will just stop going to the shop now
I wouldn’t go if I were you. Someone else is controlling the narrative and it sounds like an uncomfortable situation to be in with no gain at all. I’d tell the person suggesting it “thanks but no thanks.”
What did you do, OP?
I left a google review, nothing hostile, but just saying what happened so hopefully its less likely to happen to anyone else. I didnt go in to the shop, ive just taken my business elsewhere. It feels like the obvious thing to have done in hindsight, but I didnt think of it at the time. For some reason my mind was awash with too many other thoughts on it, and I think I just needed to hear it suggested before I realised that that is the normal thing to do if someone working in a shop is an ass to you. So appreciate the replies I got here, helped me to stop focusing on points that didnt matter as much :)
I would have instantly returned the drink and never gone back. I mumble, get made fun of as well. However I have nerve damage from my wisdom teeth being removed when I was younger. Have no feeling in the left half of my tongue and it causes me to mumble if I don’t force myself to over pronounce things.
